I

"honestly, what's the difference between being 21 years old and 20 years, 11 months, 30 days old?"

"The difference is not with you, it's with the way your parents treat you"

I can't wait to turn 21. I dislike how we're bound by other people, but there isn't a choice. So.. I can't wait to turn 21.

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II

There are no other words to describe how I feel, I feel sad, and for some strange reason, lonely. The world around me makes me feel like I don't belong, I wish I were more easy-going and sociable, but I am not. I feel.. sad.

Maybe it's the sad music I'm listening to.

Suddenly occurred to me that this is destructive behaviour: 1) people contact me and I don't reply because I don't know what to say in return, 2) I feel lonely because there is no one here (who's free) to really talk to cause I haven't replied them.

I understand it's my fault for not replying to texts but.. I really, really, really dislike that moment of awkwardness, like:

"hi emma! how have you been, how were your exams! :)"

- an imagined conversation that follows - :

me: "hi xx! :D yeah they were fine, how are you!"

xx: "yeah i'm fine too, busy with school! Enjoying yourself?"

me: "yeah! (lists down what I do). So.. what do you do in school?"

xx: "oh, lectures, and all... gonna find a job?"

me: "yeah, a job..! so........"

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I mean, you can't talk about random things with friends you haven't talked to in ages. Especially over texts. I'm not an expert at starting conversations and I don't know what to do.

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III

This blog is an indicator of the change in the way I think and express myself. I'm still not letting myself get exposed to the wide range of emotions I'm allowed to express. Choppy. Sentences. Not. Nice. I find it strange that I can read so much out of a few pages in a book, and pen down my thoughts in little private notes, but not here. Strange because I'm obviously hiding my feelings from others, much more than I used to. I am increasingly isolated from the rest of the world.

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IV

8-12 Sabah trip.